Faith isn't free! That is what I have discovered. There is a price to pay. It just doesn't happen over night, or in the middle of the day....faith, is like when you plant tulip bulbs in the winter and it takes them several months to push through the dirt & bloom in the spring.
That is how I am feeling right now. Like a tulip bulb, deep in the ground....not above the earth yet, just barely poking my head above water...literally...before the sweet, little sprout sticks it's head out and then....BOOM - there's the beautiful, perfect, happy, pink or purple...tulip!
Right now, there is so much uncertainty. I can't explain it in great detail, b/c it's too tiring to do that. So, in a nutshell....well, we are really struggling.
We're not like most americans with huge mortgages, thank goodness. We are just a simple family, running a couple businesses from home, not using credit cards, TRYING to live below our means....& STILL making ends meet, is unbelievably difficult.
I don't know what's going on??? I'm starting to think is it me? what have I done? what have I NOT done? I'm confused. I am angry. I am sad. I am scared. I am feeling very faithless. I know who I need to trust. Not my husband, but my savior. My father in heaven. He already knows...He is in control...& He's not surprised by this. He knows the outcome.
I just wish, I could trust. I wish my faith was a little stronger.
Help me God! Help me find my way back to believing. I"m exhausted.
I want more of the Father IN ME! Help me daddy-God to trust, honor, love & cherish you.....no matter how hard the days may be.
Let my faith be a light shining for my kids to see. Let my faith be a light shining for those that are lost, find their way. I feel so empty right now. Please rescue me God!
Ok, so I prayed through this blog...but that's all I knew to do, b/c my heart is aching. When there's nothing left....pray.
More later....I'm tired.
Hang in there sweetie. God does not give you what you can't handle....with Him. He must think very highly of you and know that you are strong enough. You are not a baby anymore he is pushing you, giving you something to stretch you to help you grow to help you learn to lean into Him. It's easy to have faith when life is easy but real faith comes in the desert in the hard times. Believing the best when you can't see it.
ReplyDeletePraying for you.
Jodi...I don't know if you remember me from GCA...I was a year behind you and friends with Jamie and Jenn. :) I appreciate your honesty with where you are right now and how you are trying to trust the Lord. He will bless your desire to trust Him and grow your faith...He already is! Thank you for being REAL. I will pray for you.
ReplyDeleteYour boys are precious! absolutely beautiful!